


Dear Life

by herainab



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Neonatal Abstinence Syndrome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-28
Updated: 2016-05-28
Packaged: 2018-07-10 17:40:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6998209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/herainab/pseuds/herainab
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Katniss encounters an old friend as he arrives at the hospital with his sick child late one night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Life

**Author's Note:**

> I've reposted this again. Thanks to you guys for pointing out the mistakes, I realised I posted the wrong one and didn't check I had the edited version.   
> So here is the proper version and I hope you all enjoy my District 12 Drabble week one submission.

_Please find papers relinquishing my rights to my son. I can’t endure the pain of having him taken away from me like Joshua was. I admit to using during the pregnancy and I’m sorry I’m leaving you with our son whose life has been destroyed because of me. I know though that you’ll be the best person for him. Your kindness and love is all I want for him, as it is something I can’t give him. Please don’t contact me either, I’ll be out of the state by the time you receive this and far enough away from my ghosts. Please love him and be patient with him._

_Know that I love him enough to let him go._

* * *

 

It’s been a quiet evening so far. There’s been no laboring mothers, no new sick babies and only a few babies in the nursery. All is well and calm but I know when it starts quiet, the night will become chaotic. I just pray all babies and all expectant mothers’ will be safe and well.

I spy my mother walking down the hallway towards me. She’s finished for the night and is returning home to my father. She’s been retired for a few years now but couldn’t stay away from the hospital, having found herself volunteering for programs within the walls. Dad even bought them a small RV to travel the country with and it still sits in their driveway untouched and below a hundred miles on the gage. Dad has been pushing her for just a short trip to Florida to visit her sister or to head to Atlanta to see his friend. But she’s dedicated to the new program she’s begun in the NICU and doesn’t want to leave until she’s sure it’s running smoothly.

“Finished for the night?” I ask her.

She smiles and quickly embraces me. “I am.”

“Go home. You’ve been here all day. Dad will start wondering where you are.” I tell her with a smile. “The babies will be fine, there’s plenty of us here watching them.”

“I know. It’s just, this is my baby now.”

“You should get in Prim’s ear about those grandchildren.”

“There’s nothing stopping you either.”

“I don’t even have a boyfriend.” I remind her.  “Prim’s the one with the husband, the house with the picket fence and the dog, next step is baby.”

She smiles. “I’ve long excepted the two of you would be too committed to your careers for children.”

“We are your children.” I joke.

“I know. You two definitely got the workaholic trait from me. I apologize for that profusely.” She smiles. “Just remember it’s nice to have someone to come home to. Someone to tuck in at night and shower with kisses. Family is good.”

“Well, I’m working on it, I assure you.”

“You should find someone lovely from work.”

“The men I deal with are here supporting their partners through labor or visiting their children, so that’s out of the picture.”

“I mean the men you work with.”

“Again, most of them are assholes, married or are sleeping with the other workers with bigger boobs.” I tell her. “I want my work life and personal life separate.”

My mother smiles at me and shifts her handbag over her shoulder.

“Your time will come. There’s no rush.” She says. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“No, it’s my day off.”

“Then come for dinner. I’ve managed to drag Prim over for the night.”

“Okay.”

“Night dear.”

“Night.”

She leaves, taking the elevator and I go back to reading the charts of my babies I’m involved with.

Johanna comes into sight and takes a seat beside me, handing me a large cup of coffee from the coffee cart located downstairs.

I met her three years ago when she transferred here. She came over from a smaller obstetrics unit that only dealt with the labouring moms and their infants, located just a couple of miles downtown. They would only have a handful of patients a day and it was a lot slower pace but as soon as she transferred here, to the Women and Children’s hospital in town which happened to be the biggest maternity hospital in the state and dealt with the sickest of babies and high risk pregnancies.

There were plenty of options to rotate and deal with less extreme case loads like gynaecological checks and prenatal appointments but we both proved to be the best in the NICU and with the laboring Mom’s. We had seen some of the worst cases in our time but we wouldn’t change it for the world. Seeing the sickest of babies come through the doors and then outdo our expectations is what made our job rewarding.

“Not a lot is happening tonight.” She says.

“I know. It’s all peace for the time being.”

“Don’t say the q word.”

“I’m not saying the q word.” I tell her as I continue to read the chart of my little preemie baby who was born at just 27 weeks. He’s now 10 weeks old and is showing the biggest improvements out of all my babies. Little Lion we nicknamed him when he was first born, he had very underdeveloped lungs and a tumor on his stomach that was undiscovered until he was delivered. He’s a little champion and will be going home in a few weeks as Dr Abernathy has noted after his check-up today.”

“That’s so good. He’s parents deserve to have him home.” She says. “My one isn’t doing too well at the moment.”

“Who?”

“Eden. She hasn’t had her parents here a lot as the father is working to pay for her medical bills and Mom has to take care of the three other kids. She gets here when she can but it’s only for an hour or so.”

It makes my heart hurt when these tiny things don’t thrive or have their family to help them through their recovery.

“That’s why Mom’s started the cuddle program.”

“And I’m glad she has, it proves to have such positive effects and so many hospitals are adopting the program because they want the best for their patients. I’m glad your mother got it off the ground.”

“Me too.”

The desk phone rings and our pagers sound at the same time.

“Shit is getting real.” She says before answering the phone. “Mason.”

I check my pager; one of my expectant mom’s is on her way in, very close to delivering.

“Get Rue onto her, I have to get down to the NICU. I’ll meet Rue when I’m sure everything is fine in the unit. Okay. Bye.” She places the phone down. “It’s gonna be a busy one.”

She’s gone in the direction of the NICU and I go to gather my patients’ chart. The phone rings again and I answer, directing them to page for the first on-call nurse and doctor. I was running the floor tonight and these busy nights were rewarding, especially the squishy newborns we delivered.

Marvel brings my Mom upstairs, Annie, expecting her second boy and I greet her with a wide smile. Her husband is at her side with her gear. The two of them happened to be my neighbor's and my closest friends.

“We finally might have a baby?”

“Finally, not like he’s two weeks late or anything.” She jokes.

I thank Marvel and take the wheelchair, wheeling her down to her room. She informs me her contractions are 4 minutes apart and her waters broke in the car ride over.

“You’re 8 centimetres. He’ll be here in no time.” I tell her after examining her. “Sit tight, Latier is on his way.”

Latier arrives soon after and tells her to rest up with labor fast approaching. I help lead another laboring mother into a room and get her set up.

“It’s going to be a busy one tonight.” Latier says to me as he signs a chart at the nurse’s station.

“Sure is. Let’s hope for a good run.” I tell him. “The delivery rooms are all prepped too.”

I admit two more patients, help one of the new mother’s feeding her twins and then I’m back in delivery with Annie who is at 10 centimetres and ready to push. Finnick is the supportive husband, just like he was when their firstborn Ben was born. He’s ten steps ahead of us and doesn’t need to be told what to do.

Just before midnight there little healthy boy is born and the parents are overjoyed. Latier deems them both healthy and I get Annie feeding while Latier deals with the placenta and her post care.

He’s called to another laboring mother and I get Annie and baby Dylan settled in their room. I leave the parents alone with their son and make my way around the floor, checking in on patients and babies.

My mother of twins is sound asleep, both her babies back in the nursery. Another one of my laboring mom’s is sound asleep. She won’t be in labor until early morning. Johanna is in the delivery room with one of her patients due to have her first baby. I slip down to the NICU, checking my babies and seeing them all sound asleep. The two on call NICU nurse are deep in conversation in the tech room with coffee and snacks. I give them a small wave and leave the NICU, headed for the nursery.

Rows of sleepy babies lay side by side, I like to come down and watch them for a moment of peace and quiet. Even sneaking holds of cranky and unsettled babies, inhaling their baby scent and imagining what these little bundles will grow up to be.

My pager sounds and I read I’m needed down at the ER. I take the stairs, jumping down them.

The cries of a baby sound from one of the examination rooms. It’s not the usual baby cry; it’s a high pitch scream. I’ve heard this cry a few times in my career and it breaks my heart.

Cecelia the on call paediatrician is assessing the baby as a man stands beside the cot. Rue helps Cecelia with the assessment.

“What’s happened?” I ask.

Rue steps away from the baby and hands me the chart.

“Mr Mellark…”

I perk up at the name of the man and look into the eyes of the man standing beside the baby. He looks almost like he did 8 years ago when we said goodbye to each other, this time though he looks exhausted, almost like he hasn’t slept in months.

“Peeta, what are you doing here?” I ask him.

“Katniss, I didn’t realise it was you.” He breathes out. He’s shaking, trembling almost.

“What’s happened?” I ask him, touching his arm.

“His mother just left him with me. She had him at the other hospital up town and was released and then just left him with me.”

“Are you the father of him?”

“I think so. I don’t know. It was a one night thing.” He explains. “I didn’t know she was pregnant until a month ago. She showed up on my door, needing somewhere to stay and I let her stay. She went into labor without me knowing, just said she went to visit her friend and then this morning she showed up, packed her bags and left him here. I don’t know where she’s gone or if she’s OK.”

“We’ve got his charts here.” Rue informs me.

“He hasn’t stopped crying all day. I can’t calm him. He hasn’t fed, his been vomiting and has a fever … I just don’t know. I probably shouldn’t have come here.”

“No Peeta, it’s fine.” I reassure him. “It’s a good thing you came. There might be something wrong with him and if he’s been vomiting he could be dehydrated.”

Rue holds the chart out in front of me.

The newborn doesn’t have a name. His parents are listed as Glimmer Hart and Peeta Mellark. He was born two days ago, at 36 weeks and 6 days. His birth Apgar was a low 5 but went up to 7 at five minutes. He was underweight and noted to have mottle skin at birth but was obviously fine enough to be released.

“We should get him up to the NICU.” Cecelia states, rubbing the baby’s belly trying to calm him down.

“That’s not good, is it? Something’s wrong isn’t it?”

“We won’t know until we run some tests.” Cecelia tells him. “Come on upstairs MR Mellark and be with your son.”

Peeta follows us to the elevator and upstairs to a private room in the NICU. I get Peeta scrubbed in and lead him to the exam room. Rue has been given the quiet task of calling the hospital the baby was born in to speak with the doctor.

A couple hours later Peeta is in a rocking chair with his son in his arms rocking him.

I pull up a chair beside him and watch as Peeta has mostly settled his son. The room is dimmed and the baby swaddled in a blanket.

“Peeta, I know this is hard to hear but we need to know, was Glimmer using during her pregnancy?”

“You think she was using?” He asks.

“If she was, your son is withdrawing.” I tell him sadly. “He has what is called Neonatal Abstinence Syndrome.”

He nods, looking down at his son. “I knew she was using. She’s had a problem in the past. Her other son was taken at one month old. I met her about two months later. I didn’t know much about her past until a few weeks later.” He tells me. “I had a feeling she was using. If so I think it was heroin. She told me she did have a problem with it in the past.” Peeta says. “Will he die Katniss? Will it be my fault I didn’t report her?”

“No. You did the right thing bringing him in. He can get his treatment.” I tell him softly. “You’ve just got to be committed to his recovery. It’s not easy Peeta. It’s heartbreaking.” I tell him. “He’s going to need a lot of love. And even when he does withdraw, he might be prone to issues later on down the track. He might be late in his early development. He’s going to need you to help him withdraw.”

“I didn’t even know I was going to become a father until a month ago and I still haven’t wrapped my head around the fact that he is mine.” He explains.

I smile at him and look down at his son. “I think you’re doing a great job so far. You’re going to be the best father to him Peeta.” I look him in the eyes as his son sighs. “I think he agrees too.”

I settle the baby into his NICU bed and let Peeta go and make a few phone calls to his family. It’s early morning and Johanna has taken my laboring Mom. I sit at the bedside of the newborn and watch him, after promising Peeta I’d keep an eye on him.

Peeta and I, we’ve known each other since kindergarten and had attended the same schools right through to senior year.

He became my first kiss when we were both 12 during a game of spin the bottle. We were best friends, inseparable and close. He dated other girls. I dated other boys. Nothing that was too serious. He admitted to me once when we were 17 at an after prom party that he had been in love with me forever. We kissed, had sex and immediately regretted it straight after. He went off travelling for a year once we finished senior school and I went off to college, studying nursing. When I returned home, he had a bigger role in his father’s bakery and I went straight into working.

I knew he wanted something more but it never became anything. We were going in different directions and it just wasn’t the time. And now, it’s still not the time.

It wasn’t until college when I dated guys, met more people, how much I realised I missed him. He was my best friend.

And despite the fact he has a sick baby, I can’t let the pain of the past reflect my treatment of his son.

And I have to be there for Peeta.

With the blood work back, Cecelia determines a treatment plan, figuring out Baby Mellark is withdrawing from heroin. He’s hooked up to an IV for methadone and Peeta holds his son’s hand.

“Mom and Dad know I’m here. They’ve given me time off from the bakery.” He tells me and pauses for a while looking down at his son. “I had planned a nursery and things but the last month went so quick, I didn’t get a chance to do anything, I don’t have anything for him.”

I smile at him. “You can plan and plan but you just run out of time. As long as he has a roof over his head, warmth and you give him a whole lot of love, he’ll be fine for the time being.” I assure him. “He doesn’t need all those things, he just needs you.”

The methadone is administered and Cecelia recommends Peeta to cuddle him again while he has his fix.

“Skin to skin contact is best.” I tell him. “And especially since he doesn’t have his mother and that contact during breast feeding.”

Peeta nods and takes off his cotton shirt that’s covered in vomit and milk. I fold it and sit it on the table beside him.

I help him settle the baby back into his arms and Peeta rocks his son. I lay a blanket over the two of them, keeping his son warm. And I smile, seeing how cosy the baby looks in his father’s arms.

Johanna finds me soon after.

“Shifts over Everdeen.”

“Oh, I don’t want to leave them here, I’m not back on until tomorrow.”

“The best thing you can do is go home, get some rest and then come back refreshed. There’ll be plenty of doctors and nurses here helping them both.”

I nod and look in at Peeta sleeping with his son in his arms.

“And you’re mother has arrived. She’ll take care of them both.”

I thank her, telling her I’ll see her tomorrow night and slip into the NICU room. Peeta stirs from his sleep.

“Sorry, I’m just so tired.”

“That’s fine.” I tell him. “My shifts over for the day. I’ve reached my hours for the week. I won’t be back in until tomorrow night.”

“Oh, we’ll miss having you here.”

“There’ll be plenty of other doctors and nurses here to help you out.” I tell him. “And Mom’s in. She specialises in a cuddle program, mostly for NICU babies. She’ll stop by to see you. I suggest you go home and get some rest, take a shower and eat some food. He’ll be OK.”

Peeta nods and shifts the baby slightly. I reach into my pocket and hand him over a piece of paper. “Call me if you need anything. Even if you just want to chat.”

He smiles at me and thanks me softly.

I turn to leave him and stop before I exit the room. “Oh and Peeta, he needs a name.” I tell him. “If he’s going to thrive he needs a name.”

He nods and I can see the cogs moving in his brain. I have to give it to him; he’s doing well considering what he’s been through within the past 24 hours.

I gather my things and run into Mom in the hallway.

“Hi, finishing for the day?”

“Yeah I am. I’ve done my hours for the week.”

“Good. You need to rest.”

I smile and grab her elbow leading her out of the way and behind a corner.

“Peeta’s here.”

“Peeta Mellark? He’s here?”

“Yes. He’s in the NICU with his son who’s being treated for NAS.”

“Poor child.” She exclaims. “His partner?”

“One night stand, showed up a month ago pregnant. She had the baby secretly, came home and then abandoned him with Peeta. Can you keep an eye out on them both? I told Peeta to head on home. He needs to take care of himself as well.”

“I’ll make sure he heads on home for a couple of hours. I’ll stay at the boy’s side.”

“Thanks Mom.”

She smiles and cocks her brows briefly. “What?” I ask her.

“Nothing.” She tells me. “Go home. I’ll see you tonight.”

I hug her goodbye and head on out. My mother’s promise to take care of Peeta and his son is enough to convince me they’ll be fine.

I barely sleep though. Fourteen hours of working and I can’t sleep. I usually sleep like the dead and today I can’t sleep.

By midday I give up any notion of sleeping and do the few errands I had to do. I clean the house, catch up on my washing and find myself in the grocery store, walking slowly throughout the aisles trying to figure out what I needed.

My cupboards and fridge were bare but I still couldn’t comprehend what I needed.

I turn the corner into an aisle and bump into another cart.

“Oh sorry.” I apologise.

“No worries.” The man says smiling. “Katniss, is that you?”

“Mr Mellark, sorry I didn’t recognise you.” I tell him. I had become a regular at his bakery, especially with it being so close to the hospital and he’s always been there to supply me with coffee and sweets.

“No worries dear.” He smiles but frowns. “You look exhausted.”

“I had a fourteen hour shift.”

“You should head home and sleep.”

“I can’t sleep.” I tell him.

“Something on your mind?” He asks.

“You could say that.” I tell him softly. “Have you seen Peeta?”

“He told me you were helping him.” He smiles. “Not yet. He’s mother is with him though. I’ve been given the task of picking up some supplies.”

“Has he gone home yet?”

“He has. Your mother convinced him to come home and he’s gone back again.” He tells me. “He’s lucky to have you and your mother there.”

“It’s all part of the job I suppose.” I tell him. “I wish I was still there with him but I suppose I’d be no good passing out on him.”

“You need to take care of yourself as well.” He reminds me. “I’ve told you this plenty of times over the years.”

“I know.”

His phone beeps and he reaches into his pocket. “Sorry Katniss, it’s Maureen. I’ve got to get going. I suppose I’ll see you at the hospital sometime?”

I nod and smile at him, saying a quick goodbye before walking off. The fog has cleared a bit more and I manage to buy some essential supplies and pay for them before heading on to the car.

The baby store across the road catches my attention and with the groceries packed in my car I duck into the store.

I end up with an armful of things and the cashier smiles at me as I place them on the counter.

“Your own?” She asks with a hopeful smile.

“Oh no.” I say and laugh awkwardly. “For a friend, a first time father. He’s been thrown into this unexpectedly and is unprepared. I thought I’d help him out a little.”

“He’s lucky to have a friend like you.”

I smile because I knew he’d do the same for me without asking.

* * *

 

When I pull up at my parents, Mom still isn’t home. Dad’s pickup truck is parked in its usual spot but no Prim and her new SUV. We all knew she was planning on a baby. She had the marriage; the house and the dog and now the SUV perfect to transport her family around in.

I grab my handbag and head on inside.

“Dad?” I call out and walk into the living room, freezing when I lay eyes on my sister and brother-in-law. “Oh my god! Do you two have to?” I exclaim, covering my eyes as I see Thresh and Prim entangled on the couch, Prim straddling Thresh’ lap with her skirt hiked up around her hips. “I had to put up with you two when you lived with me.”

They both chuckle and I shake my head. “Where’s dad?”

“Went down to the store.” Prim tells me. “He took our car.”

“And you two thought you’d get away with a quickie?”

“Honestly yes.” Prim says laughing. “Come on sis, you know we’re trying for a baby.”

“Do you have to do it in our parent’s living room? The room we all used to watch TV in as kids?”

“It was just a heat of the moment thing.” She tells me. “You’ve seen my husband haven’t you?”

I stand there, sensing they’re not ready to move just yet.

“I’ll be outside.” I tell them. “Finish whatever you started.”

I walk off with a wave of my hand. “You need to get laid Katniss.” Prim calls after me and then giggles. I grab a beer as quickly as I can and go and sit out on the back porch.

Mom and Dad’s Saint Bernard Leroy comes and plonks himself beside me and I scratch behind his ears and run my fingers through his soft fur. They got him when Prim left for college to fill the space the two of us left. Literally fill the space; he’s almost as tall as Prim when he stands on his hind legs. He’s full of energy and has a lot of love for everyone in our family.

Prim finds me shortly after with a glass of water in hand and sits down on the deck chair.

“Finished have we?” I ask her, turning to lean against the banister.

“We were all but finished before you arrived.”

“It’s good to see I didn’t kill the moment.”

“We’ve learnt to keep going, especially all those times you walked in on us before.”

I shake my head and pat Leroy. “I hope I get naming rights for compensation after all the things I’ve seen.”

She smirks. “You’ll get full access and can babysit anytime you like. I’ll even put your name on the birth certificate.”

“I would have expected a bit more but fine.” I tell her. “It hasn’t happened yet I suppose?”

“We’ve only been trying for a little while, we’re not expecting any miracles just yet.”

“It’ll happen. You’re young.” I assure her with a smile. “I can’t wait to be an aunty.”

“You’re going to be a great aunty.”

Dad arrives shortly after, followed by Mom and we help prepare dinner. Dad and Thresh barbequing the meat, and Prim and I helping Mom with the rest of dinner.

“How’s Peeta?” I ask her.

“Peeta?” Prim asks. “Peeta as in your prom after party hook up?”

“Prim.” I scold.

“You and Peeta hooked up after prom?” Mom asks smirking slightly. “What can I say, I kind of expected it from the two of you. I just thought… well hoped it’d stick.”

“It didn’t feel right afterwards.” I admit with a shrug of my shoulders. “Besides, I went to college and he wanted to travel. We had different plans and goals for the future.”

“He still followed you around like a puppy. He liked you a lot.” Prim reminds me. “So, why are you asking about Peeta?”

“He’s son was admitted to the NICU last night.” I tell her.

“His son? He’s got a kid? I didn’t know he was in a relationship.”

“He’s not. One night stand, the girl rocked up to his house a month ago telling him she was pregnant with his kid. He took her in and she went off and had the baby without telling him a couple of days ago. She came home with the baby and then took off, leaving Peeta alone with his son.”

“Wow.” Prim says. “So why was he admitted to the NICU?”

“NAS withdrawal.” I tell her. “We believe his mother shot up during labor. She lost her other son last year for the same reason.”

“How’s Peeta taking it?”

“I was only with him a few hours.” I tell her. “But he’s taking to it very seriously.”

“He wants to see him do well.” Mom adds. “He was gone not even two hours this morning. He has listened to everything the nurses and doctors have told him and wants to see his son get better.”

“Are they trying to find the mother?”

“They are but she gave the other hospital fake details and they can’t track her. She could be anywhere.” I tell Prim. “We just want to make sure she’s fine, mentally and physically.”

“Like all mothers.” Prim mutters. She too worked as a maternity nurse and understood this very well.

“Exactly. Even if she doesn’t want her son, she might want some help. Some counselling or rehab.” I say. “I just hope Little Mellark pushes through this.”

I’m silent during dinner, letting everyone else speak. Prim and Thresh speak about their family plans and their own friends who are getting engaged, married, separating or pregnant. Dad talks about his own travel plans, wanting to take the RV out and use it.

“We shouldn’t have even gotten it.” Mom states.

“You wanted to get it.” Dad reminds her.

“That’s true Mom, you insisted you get it.” Prim reminds her.

“We should just sell it. We’ve still got the car, we can use that.”

“The whole reason we got the RV was so we could travel cheaply, not to have it sit in the driveway unused. Can we pen in just a short trip somewhere? We are both retired now.”

“I’ve got the cuddle program at the hospital, I can’t abandon that.”

“Mom, there’s plenty of nurses and volunteers there who are passionate about it.” I remind her. “You leaving away for a little while won’t make it crumble. I’ll be sure of it.”

“And who says you’ll want to travel when Prim and Thresh have a baby? You’ll want to be close by.” Dad tells her. “We could go and visit Pam in Florida for a couple of weeks and come back, you can get back to the hospital for a few weeks and maybe we can go away again for a month or two. You promised me Lou we’d enjoy our retirement together and take some time out together, we haven’t been on a vacation together since well before Prim was born.”

The look of guilt covers Mom’s face and I know she’s realising how painful she’s been.

“Okay, we’ll go to Florida to see my sister.”

“You and Dad deserve to enjoy your retirement.” Prim reminds them. “Besides, you’ll want to be here when your grandkids come along.”

Thresh helps Mom clear the table as Dad goes to clean the barbeque.

“You’re thinking about him.” Prim says with a sad smile. “You should go and see him.”

“I don’t even know where he lives.”

“You do have access to the network.”

“That’s breaching confidentiality.”

“Hasn’t stopped you before.” She says, picking up the salad bowl and heading to the kitchen.

* * *

 

I close my front door behind me, locking it and place my bag and keys on the table by the door. I kick off my shoes and go to the fridge.

I was exhausted but I knew I couldn’t sleep.

I pull out a beer and go and sit on the couch, switching on the TV and watching the game that’s on. I was never one for sport but always allowed Dad to watch his game, especially as he lived in a house full of girls who had no time for it. I even allowed Peeta to watch the game on afternoons and nights we hung out together as teenagers.

My phone sounds from my pocket and I pull it out seeing a text from an unknown number.

_Hi my name is Bodhi Ethan Mellark. Bodhi means awakening and enlightenment. Ethan means strong. I hope you like my name._

A photo of Bodhi is attached and I feel my heart swell with pride, seeing my friend this proud was contagious.

_Nice to meet you Bodhi Ethan. I love your name. I can’t wait to see you again tomorrow._

A smiley face is returned and I quickly save Peeta’s number and lock my phone, setting it down beside me.

* * *

 

I sleep a full eight hours. The sleep was much needed and a sleeping tablet knocked me right out at 5am this morning.

My phone rings, waking me and I see work displayed on the screen.

“Hello?”

_“Hi Katniss, it’s Rue here. Do you think you could come in early? Johanna has called in sick and she was supposed to be on the NICU. We’ve got another nurse coming in to cover the floor but she’s not trained in the NICU.”_

“Sure Rue, I’ll be in in an hour.”

I shower, eat some food and pack my bag with snacks, water and everything else for the 17-hour shift.

I also grab the hamper on the way out.

I pass Mr Mellark leaving on the way in.

“Hey Katniss.”

“Hi. How are they?”

“Good. He’ll be happy to see you.” He tells me with a grin and looks at the hamper in my hands. “See you round.”

I wave goodbye and head up to the floor, dumping my things in the locker room and changing into my scrubs. Rue briefs me at the desk and within five minutes I know what has happened in the past day I’ve been gone.

I look down the corridor towards the NICU and pick up my NICU charts.

“Go. He’s been waiting for you.” Rue tells me with a small smile. “I think he likes you.”

“We’re old friends.”

“There’s something more there, I can sense it.”

“Go do your discharge.” I tell her and walk off towards the NICU.

I see Peeta in the small room with his son asleep on his chest. Peeta’s eyes are closed and he protectively holds his son to his chest.

I smile at the bed, seeing the boy to have a nameplate with his name written out on it. I place the hamper down on the table beside Peeta and pick up Bodhi’s chart, reading up on what I’ve missed.

“Hey.” I turn around at the sound of his voice and smile at him.

“Hey yourself.”

“You’re in early?”

“Short staffed.” I tell him. “How is he?”

“Perfect.”

“He looks quite comfortable with you.”

“He is.”

I pull up a chair to sit beside him and trace my finger over Bodhi’s cheek. “I just passed your dad.”

“My parents have been great, they’ve been taking turns being here with us. They sit with him when I go home for a couple of hours.” He tells me. “Even your Mom has been great. She’s been really supportive as well, showing me lots of techniques to settle him.”

“There was a reason she set up this program, she believes that the warmth of an embrace or the touch of someone can be much more healing than medicine.” I tell him softly. “And I think it shows right here.”

Peeta smiles down at Bodhi and I look down at the baby, the look on his face shows us how calm and happy he is. His brows are relaxed and the hand wrapped around his father’s is enough to assure us.

“I got you something?”

“You did?” He asks. “You didn’t have to get us anything.”

“Well you said you didn’t have anything for him. I thought it’d be nice for him to have his own stuff, some clothes and things.”

He smiles and exhales. “Thank you.”

“It’s just up there when you’re ready.”

He smiles an appreciative smile and I stand up to read his chart again.

“Katniss?”

“Yeah.”

“Will they call CPS?” He asks.

I frown. “They’ve been notified.” I tell him. “We have a protocol to inform CPS about NAS babies. But considering this circumstance CPS is more concerned in finding Glimmer now. The doctor’s and nurses have spoken to them and assured them Bodhi is fine. Before Bodhi is released they’d do a home visit to ensure your house is prepared for a baby and speak to you.” He nods. “But don’t worry. Bodhi is safe. They just have to do this with every reported NAS baby.”

He nods and looks down at his son. “They should know Glimmer has had another child.”

“They do.” I tell him. “They’ll speak to her.”

He nods and I turn back to the chart.

“One more thing.”

“Hmm?”

He holds out a folder for me. I take it, opening it up to read what’s inside of it.

“She’s relinquishing her parenting rights?” I ask.

He nods. “There’s a note in there.”

I rifle through the papers and pull out a note.

_Peeta,_

_Please find papers relinquishing my rights to my son. I can’t endure the pain of having him taken away from me like Joshua was. I admit to using during the pregnancy and I’m sorry I’m leaving you with our son whose life has been destroyed because of me. I know though that you’ll be the best person for him. Your kindness and love is all I want for him, as it is something I can’t give him. Please don’t contact me either, I’ll be out of the state by the time you receive this and far enough away from my ghosts. Please love him and be patient with him._

_Know that I love him enough to let him go._

_Glimmer_

“So what do I do know?” He asks.

“What you’re already doing, be his parent.”

He looks down at Bodhi and then up at me nodding.

“I’ll be back. I’ve got a couple more patients to check in on.”

I check the other NICU patients, ensuring their vitals are good. I was overseeing the NICU more than being assigned to any cases. I’d hope I’d get to spend some more time with Bodhi and Peeta.

Deeming things to be going well and preparing for the visiting hours to start again, I leave the other nurses to note down vitals, calm fussy babies and prepare the stations for those parents who would be stopping by. Some parents couldn’t be here but the volunteer cuddler’s would be by to be there for those sick babies.

When I come back, Bodhi’s machines are going crazy and the high-pitched cries sound from the newborn.

Peeta has Bodhi in the cot and keeps a steady hand on his son as he begins to shake uncontrollably. His whole body shaking the cot.

“Remember we’re slowly weaning him.” I remind Peeta. “The IV is filled with methadone and we’re going to cut back his supply rather than go cold turkey. This is just Bodhi slowly withdrawing.”

Peeta nods and rubs Bodhi’s belly softly, trying his hardest to not break.

“It’s ok little man. Daddy’s here.” Peeta coos to his son as he still shakes. “It’s ok. We’re here to help you.”

Bodhi slowly stops crying at the soft touch of his father and the strokes I apply to his hands.

“There we go.” I coo to Bodhi. “That’s a boy, no need to cry.”

Bodhi slowly stops trembling and he manages to open up his eyes for a brief second. He has the brightest blue eyes I’ve ever seen. He’s giving his father a run for his money.

“Hi little man.” Peeta greets him, stroking his belly. “You’ll get through this.”

“Has he eaten today?”

“He’s had a little bit of a bottle.”

“How about we give him a bottle and see how we go? He does need a diaper change though.”

I volunteer to change Bodhi’s diaper and get Peeta to ask the other nurse to get him a bottle. Bodhi’s diaper is filled and it takes a dozen wipes to clean down the baby.

“He needs his diaper changed every hour.” Peeta tells me. “He has diarrhea.”

“It’s common, once the drug is out of his system hopefully he can resume to healthy bowel movements. Just think it’s lucky you’re in a hospital that has an endless supply of diapers.”

Peeta smiles and I place a new diaper on Bodhi and then swaddle him tightly. The nurse brings the bottle by and I go to hand Peeta Bodhi but he shakes his head.

“You can feed him, I want to see what’s in here.”

I sit down in the chair and do my best to feed Bodhi. His sucking reflexes aren’t there and I try my best to get a bit of milk into his belly. He needed to gain some weight to get up to the scale of other baby’s born at 36 weeks.

Peeta smiles as he takes everything out of the hamper, holding up onesie’s, sock, beanies, blanket, clothes and everything else.

“Thank you Katniss. This is beautiful.”

“Least I could do.” I tell him and look down at Bodhi who finally manoeuvres his mouth around the nipple of the bottle and begins drinking. “Good boy. You’re just like you daddy, he could drink a bottle or six.” I laugh.

“Hey, I was a senior in high school.” He says. “You’re more like your uncle’s though, they could certainly drink you under the table.”

“That is true.” I coo. “Your uncles could handle their liquor and they still can.”

“How do you know that?”

“Seen them round, Jo likes to drag me along for drinks occasionally and they’ve been there. Not so much now that they’ve got wives and they’re own children.” I say. “Have they been by?”

“They’ve called and texted a lot. They’re trying their best to get here, even if it’s just an hour. Zane understands what it’s like to have a child in the NICU though so he’s keeping his distance, especially as Bodhi’s condition is a lot different to what Eli’s was.”

I nod because he’s right. His nephew was just a few weeks premature. Bodhi’s stay will be more stressful and saddening. And it won’t just stop here, it’ll be stressful once Peeta takes him home and they begin their life together as father and son. Bodhi is in for a long road of recovery and growth.

It breaks my heart to see this beautiful little boy enduring this all.

I get him back to sleep, rocking him gently and Peeta sits beside me, watching his son.

“He likes you.”

I smile. “All babies do.”

“You’ve always been a natural.” He reminds me. “You’re like this mother figure.”

“Who is childless.” I remind him.

“There’s plenty of ways to be a mother.” He says. “You don’t have to be somebodies mother just by carrying them.” I look up at him. “You just have to be willing to step up to the plate and give the child all your unconditional love and your heart.”

I smile and look down at Bodhi. “I never really wanted to be a mother.”

“I know but I always reminded you you’d be a great one.”

“In this job I see so many babies come into this world. I see the complete joy they bring and not just to their parents but to their aunts, uncles, siblings, grandparents and everyone else. Then I see the babies that come into this world and I know that they won’t be as loved as some of the other newborns. I see the disinterest in the parent’s eyes, I see how they look at them like another mouth to feed or the fact that they’ve gotten extra benefits just to survive. I sometimes want to steal babies and hoard them in my house and raise them and give them the life they deserve. It’s hard this job.”

“I bet it is.”

“I get to have my hands on all these babies, give them all the love and tender care I can give them in the first couple of days of their life. Hold them, coo to them and just comfort them. I rock them in the nursery when they’re fussy and tell them about all the great things I hope they get to experience in the world and in their life.” I tell him. “Then I watch them leave the hospital in their mother’s arms and I’m not sad because another new life will be born and I get the chance to do it all over again.”

He smiles.

“If this is all I do for the rest of my life than I’m fine with that.”

“Don’t you want more?”

“I might but for now, this is where I need to be.” I tell him, motioning down to Bodhi. “I need to help you and help your son recover so he can go home and begin to experience the world.”

He smiles at me and traces Bodhi’s cheek. “For the record, your selling yourself short. I think it’s time to jump and actually live a little for yourself. You’re a catch Katniss and any man would be blessed to have you be the mother of their children.”

I leave father and son and hide away in the locker room.

The door opens and I brush away the tears from my cheeks quickly.

“Katniss, you alright?” Rue asks me.

I nod, sniffle and get up off of the bench.

“Tell me.” She urges closing the door and pushing me back onto the bench.

I dab my eyes and manage to smile. “That man, he’s the most beautiful man I’ve ever met in my entire life. I was so lucky to grow up with him and have him as my best friend and that’s all I kept it as. I kept him as my best friend because I was too scared of ruining the good thing we had. And we did ruin it during prom in senior year. He went off travelling, I went off to college and we drifted apart. Now, ten years later, he’s sitting in the NICU with his sick son and all I can think about is what it’d be like to kiss him.”

Rue hands me a tissue. “Well, I know it’s frowned upon to date patients parents but I’m sure the board would let this slide.”

“He’s in no position to date. He has a sick son.”

“Build that familiarity up again then. Talk, hang out, be there for him, be his support. Just like you both were growing up. It can’t hurt him to have some allies in here and to have his best friend back.” She smiles. “I can see it in his eyes how comfortable he is when you’re around.” She smiles. “He was going to duck out for an hour to head home since Bodhi is asleep. He’s looking for you.”

I nod and Rue gives me a minute to compose myself.

I find him exiting the NICU with the hamper in his arms. He smiles at me and then frowns. He could always tell when I’ve been crying.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I’m fine now.”

“You sure?” I nod. “Good. I’m going to head home for an hour or so. Have some dinner and then come back. You’ll call me if anything happens.”

“I will.” I say. “He’ll be fine.”

He squeezes my hand and leaves for the elevator.

“And that’s why the other nurses are jealous.” Rue says from behind me.

“What?”

“Peeta is hot, they’re jealous he’s only interested in you. Oh well, there’s plenty of other dad’s they can try their flirting skills on.”

I shrug off her comment and find myself back in the NICU. Bodhi is sound asleep in his cot and I stand over him, stroking his hand. I watch his face contort, his eyebrows creasing and a slight frown coming to his face. He’s having a nightmare.

So I stroke his hand and sing to him.

 _“Time will change you_  
Nothing lasts forever more  
Tomorrow's all we're living for  
And lights will blind you  
Illusions keep you wanting me  
Just look past revolving doors  
To find what's real”

Bodhi’s face relaxes and I continue to stroke his hand and eventually his cheek and face in soft circles.

 _“Dear life, am I doing this right?_  
Can you see me tonight  
Can you help me dear life?  
And I know that I can't understand  
What you hold in your hands for me  
Dear life”

Peeta comes back an hour later with coffee and a package of cheese buns for me.

“For you.”

“You didn’t have to bring me anything.”

“You’re doing the 17 hour shift, you need it, especially if you’re to put up with my grumpy arse.” I laugh and take him to Bodhi.

* * *

 

At ten days old, Bodhi Mellark is off his methadone drip.

I sneak a visit with him while Peeta is off talking to CPS and a counsellor.

I sing to him. The one song that Bodhi seems to love more than anything in the world.

 _“Love will change you_  
No matter if you stay with them  
You'll never be the same again

 _You've shown me magic_  
Highs I've never felt before  
Memories that I thank you for  
From deep in my soul”

Bodhi smiles up at me and I smile back down at him.

“You’re doing so good baby boy.” I coo to him softly and stroke his fine blond hairs on his crown. “You’re doing us all so proud.”

At 20 days old, he’s discharged from the hospital after CPS has made a recommendation that Peeta Mellark is fit to raise his son.

I cry in the locker room the minute the discharge papers have been organised and I’ve been asked to head to the NICU to hand them to Peeta.

Johanna finds me, wraps an arm around my shoulders.

“You shouldn’t let him go.” She tells me.

“I have to.”

“No you don’t.”

I wipe my eyes; force myself to stop crying and head to the NICU, discharge papers in hand.

Peeta has Bodhi all packed up and ready.

This was goodbye.

In Bodhi’s 19 days spent here, I was here for nearly everyday of it. I was here for Peeta. Here for Bodhi. I grew an attachment to the boy and really didn’t want to see him go.

Or his father.

I watch Peeta sign the forms quickly and he hands them back to me.

“I can’t believe we’re going home.” He states, packing the rest of Bodhi’s gear into the bag. “Thank you for everything.”

“My pleasure.” I tell him and wait for him to say more but he doesn’t.

I turn and leave, taking his signed forms back to the desk to be processed and grab his discharge package, information we’ve put together for Bodhi’s at home care. Peeta would have doctor visits once a week with a specialist doctor until Bodhi was 6 months old, from there it’d be every two weeks until his first birthday.

I prayed, Bodhi would excel and do exceptionally despite his rough start to his life.

Peeta’s father arrives on the floor and waves to me.

“Peeta ready?”

I nod and take him down to the NICU. Bodhi is strapped into his car seat, all ready for his new life at home. I hand over the discharge package to Peeta and he slips it into the suitcase. There’s a moment of awkward silence before Peeta’s father clears his throat.

“I better let you go.” I say softly and turn to Bodhi. “Goodbye little man. I hope I’ll see you round. Be good for your daddy.” I trace his fist and then kiss it before I step away. I smile at Peeta and his father. “You’re good to go.” I tell them.

“Thank you for everything Katniss.” Peeta says with a wide smile and steps towards me, enveloping me into his arms. “We couldn’t have done it without you. I couldn’t have done it without you.”

I nod, feeling the tears threaten to spill and just smile at him. “Go, take him home.”

He gives me a little nod, I sense the nerves of taking his son home after the last three weeks but I know, deep within me, Peeta can do this. He’ll be a fine father to this boy who deserves the whole world. And Peeta will give him that.

I follow them out, Peeta carrying the car seat and his father with the suitcase. They say goodbye to all the nurses and doctors and step into the elevator for their new lives.

I turn on my heel and snatch a patient chart and focus on that instead of the emptiness I feel forming inside of my chest.

* * *

 

Coming off night shift was sometimes the hardest. You’re so wired you sometimes feel yourself nodding off on the drive home. Then once you get home you can’t sleep. You toss and you turn until you can’t stand it anymore and give up and resort to being sleep deprived.

I haven’t had a good night sleep since college but I can power on in my job. The adrenaline is enough to keep me going when I’m exhausted.

But I can pin point the reason for my insomnia.

There’s been four moments in my life when I couldn’t sleep.

The first time, when Peeta and I kissed during spin the bottle. I recalled the feel of his lips on mine the whole night and didn’t sleep.

The second time, the night after Peeta and I slept with each other. I didn’t sleep for two nights, thinking and recounting the whole night from start to finish.

The third, when Peeta came into the hospital with his son three weeks ago.

And the fourth time, was after a sneaky kiss with Peeta in the stairwell last week. I was on the late shift and Peeta was at his son’s bedside. I offered him a coffee and he followed me down to the coffee cart where we got hot chocolate instead. We walked through the quiet hospital as I had nowhere else to be and as we took the stairs, he pinned me against the wall, pressing himself against me and kissed me like he’s never kissed me before. He didn’t say anything after that and when I finished that morning and went home, I couldn’t sleep an inch.

I crawl out of bed, splash my face with cold water and go to the kitchen to make myself some coffee. Leroy follows me out to the kitchen almost barrelling me over. I was watching him while Mom and Dad were visiting my Aunt.

Peeta and Bodhi had been home for a week now and I missed them both so much.

A letter rests on the floor in the hallway having been slipped through the mail slot.

I pick it up, read that it’s been hand delivered and open the envelope.

_Dear Katniss,_

_I miss you so much. I miss the way you cuddle me. Talk to me. Sing to me. And pepper those sneaky kisses on my fist and cheeks when no one else is looking. I miss your company and your smile. I miss waking up to see your beautiful eyes looking down at me. Your beautiful eyes that have so much comfort in them, I’m sure they’re the reason I got better so quickly._

_I haven’t been sleeping too well because Daddy doesn’t know that song you sing so well. And the version from his IPod isn’t as good as the one you sing. Maybe you can come and teach daddy how to sing it and come and pay us a visit. Daddy is too stubborn to admit that he can’t sing very well. I’d really appreciate a visit and show you how big I’ve gotten (I’m now in four zeros). Oh and I can smile so widely now, it makes daddy smile too. I’m almost giggling as well; maybe you might get a giggle out of me._

_Daddy might even have some cheese buns and hot chocolate waiting for you._

_Hope you’re doing well. I miss you lots._

_Love,_

_Bodhi Ethan Mellark_

* * *

 

Leroy and I round the corner, Leroy pulls me along and I try to keep my balance and the dog in control.

I look down at my piece of paper and then scan the letterboxes for number 12.

Leroy stops outside a grey picket fence and I look at the letterbox, finding the house I’m looking for.

“Where here boy.” I tell him and push open the gate. I pull Leroy along and try to keep him in order as he sniffs the new surroundings. “Leroy, walk.” I tell him.

“Hey.”

I look up and find the owner of the voice standing at the top of the steps with a small smile on his face.

“Hi.” I reply. “I hear a little boy by the name of Bodhi sent me a letter? A very unexpected letter.”

“He’s only five weeks old and he can already write, he’s a clever thing.” He smirks. “I’m sure you’ve never met a five week old baby who can write.”

“I don’t think I have but Bodhi is a special boy. I’m sure he’ll be reading and writing well before everyone else.”

He smiles from ear to ear. “Would you like to come and see him?”

I nod, my smile stretching across my face. “Where can I put him?” I ask. “I probably shouldn’t have brought him along. It was rude of me to assume.”

“Katniss, it’s fine. I like dogs.”

Leroy stands beside me as Peeta leads me through the house. The back room has been transformed into a studio and a bassinet has been added to the room. Peeta’s been painting. A canvas rests on the easel and it’s the most beautiful, colourful thing I’ve ever seen.

“He should wake soon.” He whispers as he steps across the floor towards the bassinet.

I follow behind quickly and come and stand beside the bassinet and stare down at the baby I cared for for almost a month. Whom I sang to when he was upset, whom I rocked when he was unsettled, whom I peppered with kisses when no one else was looking. This was the boy who gave me hope. Unexpected hope.

Bodhi is sound asleep in a swaddle suit. One of the swaddles I bought him. I smile and catch Peeta smile slightly.

“He loves this one the most.” He tells me.

“Only because he’s favorite nurse bought it for him.” I tease.

He leans forward, tracing Bodhi’s cheek gently and I admire the boy who has grown so much in a week. Who looks healthy and is so beautiful.

“I think he looks just like you.” I tell him.

“Mom and Dad say the same thing but I don’t see it.”

I smile. “I do. He’s going to be a beautiful boy. And you’re going to raise him to be wonderful.”

Peeta lets me take him from the bassinet, not minding me disturbing him from his sleep.

But Bodhi stirs for a few seconds before he settles against my chest, smiling slightly and cuddles into my warmth. I press a soft kiss to his forehead and inhale the sweet baby smell and hum the song I’ve been singing to him.

I cuddle him while Peeta makes hot chocolate and warms up some cheese buns for us. Leroy lazes in the sun on the back deck and Peeta and I sit on a chair on the deck, Bodhi sound asleep against my chest and Peeta’s beautiful cheese buns.

And we don’t speak because this feels so normal. This feels right. This is what I imagined for years, sitting on the back deck with Peeta by my side, our monster dog at our feet and our baby in my arms enjoying the beautiful summer afternoon and the company of each other.

“He’s such a good boy.” Peeta tells me. I catch the way he watches me hold Bodhi and I can see the pride beaming from his eyes. He’s imagined this too.

“He looks like he is.”

“He’s beautiful.” He adds. “You’re Mom and you really taught me a lot. I guess I’m lucky we got three weeks in a hospital filled with qualified nurses and doctors who’ve seen their fair share of babies and have a knack for the newborn thing. I got the most from you though.”

“Really?”

He nods. “You’re a natural. Some of the nurses were rude but you were patient and kind. You taught me a lot and made me understand what NAS really is and what he was going through. I’ve developed a patience for him, a better understanding and taken a different approach to how I would have raised him.”

“You’re a good father Peeta and Bodhi has been blessed to receive you as his father. He’s going to do fine. You’re already doing fine. And no matter happens, you’ll love and support him with everything you’ve got. He’s going to do well Peeta.”

Bodhi giggled for the first time that night.

And Peeta knew everything was going to be Ok. Especially as he kissed me when he dropped me home.

He asked to come round when I was free next.

I went back the next morning.

* * *

 

“Come on buddy, walk to Mama.”

I smile at him as he tries to keep his balance on his two chubby feet and step one foot in front of the other.

He’s a clever boy already, proving his doctors wrong every time he sees them. He makes his daddy proud every day, every time he achieves something new in his constant world of developing and learning.

He takes a step and then another, determined to reach his favorite toy I rest on my lap.

“Good boy! Come on.”

His little tongue sticks out of his lips as he focuses on the task at hand and he eventually falls into my arms.

“You did it! You did it. Good boy! Good boy!” I cheer, covering his cheeks in kisses and celebrating his new achievement. “You’re walking. Mama’s boy is walking.”

“Mama.” He echoes, smiling up at me.

“Yeah, I’m you’re Mama.”

This arrangement developed quite quickly. I hardly left Peeta’s house and over time he asked me to just move it. I became a part of Peeta and Bodhi’s life and it didn’t feel weird at all. I fell into the vacant position of Bodhi’s other parent and fell in love with him as if he was my own. Bodhi became attached to me and began to see me as his Mama.

His first word was Mama and I thought it might have been weird but it was like music to my ears and I kissed Peeta long and hard and we consummated our relationship for the first time when Bodhi slept that night.

We didn’t wake with any regrets just a whole lot of happiness and love.

And they became my family.

“Mama loves you Bodhi.” I remind him. “Come on, we’re supposed to be getting the house ready for your party, Daddy won’t be happy we’ve slacked off.”

He turned 1 today and had brought so much love and happiness to everyone in his life. My parents loved him like they’re own grandchild, Prim and Thresh dotted on him like a nephew. Everyone loved him so much.

The house fills with guests and Bodhi stays at his father’s side. He was too shy to show off his new trick just yet. We celebrated the first year of Bodhi’s life. A year of trials, errors and lots of tears. A year filled with happiness, love and laughter. It’d been a tough year but a rewarding year.

Peeta and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

There’s a cackle over the baby monitor and I make a move first to tend to Bodhi.

“I’ve got it.” I tell Peeta kissing his lips softly. I throw my robe on over my naked body and pad slowly towards the nursery.

Bodhi sits up in his crib and looks at me as I enter the room.

“What is it my boy?”

He drops his bottom lip and holds his arms out for me.

I swoop him out of his crib, hold him against my chest and let him bury his face into my neck. He grips my shirt tightly in his hand. I kiss his cheek and go and sit down in the rocking chair with him sitting across my lap, cuddling against me as closely as he can.

I rock us for a few minutes and enjoy the feeling of him in my arms.

“I’m so glad you came into my life sweet boy.” I whisper to him.

I lower my ear towards his ear and urge him to speak again.

“Mama.”

I know that tone and the look on his face. He wants me to sing.

He nods and I kiss his cheek and go and sit down in the rocking chair with him sitting across my lap, cuddling into my chest.

I speak to him like most nights I tend to him. I tell him all the wonderful things in life, all the great things we’ll show him and take him to see and do.

“And I hope one day soon we’ll give you a baby brother or sister.” I whisper to him. I had told Peeta I wanted to have a baby with him. I was ready to add to our family and give Bodhi a sibling or two. My baby niece had made me clucky and those newborn cuddles I’d been having the past couple of days had really kicked me into thinking about my future. Into finally admitting what I want.

I haven’t seen Peeta’s smile so wide before.

Bodhi sighs. A happy sigh I put it down to and I sing for him.

 _“Sometimes it hurts you_  
Maybe it's a lesson learned  
To bring my feet back to this Earth  
To find what's real”

Bodhi’s eyes start to flutter closed and I smile, rock us gently and lower my voice.

 _“Dear life, am I doing this right?_  
Can you see me tonight  
Can you help me dear life?  
And I know that I can't understand  
What you hold in your hands for me  
Dear life”

I kiss his forehead and remain on the chair for a few more minutes, admiring the little boy who has brought me so much joy and happiness. I couldn’t imagine life without him.

He was a survivor and made us all so much stronger.

I lay him in his crib, pull his blanket up slightly and admire his sleeping form for a few moments before I step out.

I head downstairs for a glass of water and on my way towards the stairs; a letter slipped under the doorway catches my attention. Bodhi’s name is scrawled across the front of the envelope and I open it up and read it.

I go to bed with a smile on my face, set the letter down on Peeta’s bedside and curl against his side, letting him wrap his arm around my body and I cuddle closer to his body.

“Night.” He mumbles.

“Night my love.”

He pulls me closer and I smile against his neck.

* * *

_To my beautiful boy,_

_Today is your first birthday. A year since I brought you into the world. I haven’t seen you for a whole year but I’ve seen you from afar and I know you’re doing well. You have a father who loves you to the moon and back. A father who is so crazy about you, it’s endearing and beautiful. You also have a mother and I can see how much she loves you. And I’m thankful she’s in your life, raising you to be a beautiful boy._

_That’s something I wouldn’t have been able to give you. I wouldn’t have been able to love you as much as your Mom and Dad do. I wouldn’t be able to give you the things you needed, I’d be too selfish and address my needs before your own. I made a good decision and I hope one day you’ll understand. I know you’ll understand because you’ll be raised to be non-judgemental and kind. You’ll accept people for who they are, just like your dad does. I hope maybe one day I can meet you properly and admire who you’ve become._

_I’m trying my hardest to be a better person and hopefully if we meet, you’ll see this. It’s a hard road recovery but the end is rewarding._

_Bodhi, enjoy the next year of your life, growing into a toddler and learning more and more about the world. Make sure you grasp it in your hands and always smile. You have your dad’s smile and the world deserves to see it. Be a good boy and continue to make your Mom and Dad proud parents. I can see how proud they are. You’ve brought them happiness and together. They’ll always be thankful for you._

_All my love Bodhi._

_Glimmer_

**Author's Note:**

> You can come and find me on Tumblr- Herainab


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